I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that right now I’m on the set of Westworld or J.J. Abrams’ latest sci-fi futuristic concoction, but no. I’m at the Toto Toilet showroom in Tokyo. Joining me right now is a huge fan of Japanese toilets. He’s talked about them quite a bit over the years. Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, tell me, what is it about Toto Japanese toilets that you love so much? I love any toilet bowl that washes your anus. People wash every other part of their body that is never as dirty with soap and water, but the anus, they say, don’t worry about it, just use this paper. I just don’t understand. Even while the rest of the world washes the anus, the United States sits back and says, no, we’re okay, because a little piece of paper does just as good a job. Now I ask you, you’re a proud American, are you confident in the cleanliness of your anus? That’s the most patriotic speech, I’ve heard any American give in a long time. Meet Mr. Kuwahara. You–hi. You work here. Oh hi. I already did. Just do it again. Oh, look at that. My friend is only interested– what happened? Oh it sterilized–I thought… I thought it was making a point of some kind. You’re welcome to speak anytime. My friend only wishes a toilet with washing capabilities. I don’t believe washing one’s anus should be a luxury. I believe washing one’s anus is a right, not a privilege. Yeah. John F. Kennedy, I think said, we have the right and privilege, but you’ve probably taken that and probably elevated it. How does the stream of water know how to hit its mark? The average anus point. But what if someone was outside the average? Mine is more here. We don’t know what happened, but it drifted and it’s here now. I’m sort of, like this. I think it’s barbaric that we have to go to the toilet. I think the toilet should come to us. It comes and finds me when it’s time. And it just nudges me like a dog And I’m like, what the, hey, he’s right and then I go. This idea is my gift to Toto. Thank you. So it agrees that it’s a good idea. Yes. They’re–I’m telling you, they’re thinking! They’re thinking! When you leave at night, these toilets all have adventures. You have no idea what they’re doing. Do you ever get a celebrity voice? Because I could be a voice of a new toilet. Hello, please have a seat on me. I’m American TV comedian, Conan O’Brien. Oh…you had a pretty big dinner. Easy there, fella. Well, thank god we’re done. See you next time. And check me out on TBS, weeknights at 11. Do you have toilets that play music? Do you think it’s necessary to– I don’t mean to be repetitive but I just want a toilet bowl that is low to the ground and washes the anus. I strongly suspect you’re being paid by the Anus Council. You have said the word 600 times. Anus. Anus. Anus. Clean an anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Washes the anus. Your anus. Anus. The anus. Your anus. My anus. Your anus. Your anus. Your anus. Anuses. Your anus. Your anus. Your anus. The anus. The anus. One’s anus. Anus. The anus. The anus. The anus. Dry the anus. Dry the anus. The anus. The anus. Other than the anus. Anus. Anus. How many seconds does it take to clean your anus? How long does this last? Oh I have to stop it. If that was me, my anus would have been destroyed… a long time ago. What’s the longest a human has endured? What’s the record? Has anyone gone four hours straight, and my second question is, did he survive? And my third question is, why are you letting me ask these questions? Also, apparently, a power surge recently, in Osaka, a man was blasted off the bowl. Sorry, that’s insanity, sorry. He was shot into the air. He went out in the sky. Okay. Okay. Let’s call the police. This is over. This is ridiculous. Would you like to maybe come get a drink with us? Let’s get out of here. Let’s go. Come on.